Love on Their Own Terms

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There is a temperament that loves on their own terms. It is called the Choleric. This is a specific detail in their need for love and affection; loving on their own terms. love on own terms

What are the terms they need to accept love and affection from you? They tend to prefer deep relationships to say “I love you” by doing special things for them and some physical expressions of love and affection like hugs and kisses. In terms of love languages, we are talking about acts of service and physical affection. The exact terms and standards will vary for each Choleric in Affection because of the shaping they have had with their upbringing and environment

Cholerics tend to use charm and be very warm and personable with their deep relationships, but this is all in an effort to maintain control of the deep relationship. Yes, Choleric in all three areas: Inclusion, Control and Affection have a need to control. They will likely establish deep relationships with people they can control.

Though they express lots of love and affection, they need very little. This is part of the reason why they only accept love on their own terms.

Love Not On Their Own Terms

So, what if you don’t give them love and affection on their own terms? They tend to reject the other person. They will turn and walk away form you. This can seem cruel and unfeeling to the other person. This conflicts with what God wants us to do. Love each other as we love ourselves. The problem with the Choleric is they love themselves too much. It is this extreme self-centeredness that comes across as cruel towards the person they are rejecting and walking away from.

This self-centeredness in their need for love and affection will also tend to make them have a difficult time relating to the deep, tender feelings that other temperaments have. They view the emotions of others as sentimental trivia. This can be a huge conflict when the other deep relationships express their deep emotions to them. They will likely feel “unheard” or that they really don’t care for and love you.

The Choleric in Affection gives a great deal of love and affection much like the Sanguine which can be a great strength for God’s Kingdom when the Choleric in Affection has an active personal relationship with Jesus and is growing to be like Christ and love others unconditionally with the divine “agape” love that comes from God.

If this sounds like you, your spouse or significant other, please know that there is hope in Jesus and coming to the place of reliance upon Him which is what God originally designed for us. Contact me to discover your unique temperament and how our connection to God is vital in the well being for our entire being, body, soul and spirit.

 

Reciprocity and Melancholy Love Needs

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In today’s post, we are going to look at the Melancholy love needs. We will also take a look at the law of reciprocity and how it can effect love needs of the Melancholy. So, let’s begin with an understanding of what reciprocity is.

There are universal laws that God has instilled in all of creation. Some examples of these are the law of gravity, the law of attraction, and the law of supply. The law of reciprocity is simply put what you give is what you get. A waitress that gives her best smile and service will get a good tip. A friend takes care of their dog while away on vacation will get a nice thank you gift. This same idea applies to love. The amount of love you give will be the amount of love you recieve.

Love and Reciprocity Working Together

But love is a far more complicated thing. The question of ‘what is love?’ comes to mind. Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. It is shown, demonstrated and manifested in our behaviors, including our words, mannerisms and body language. So, if love is an action, we can see it, hear it and experience it. Love actions are seen in the commonly known 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We give gifts, speak loving words, spend quality time, and serve in one way or another. We also show our physical affection with hugs, kisses, high-fives, etc.  But even these 5 ways can be manifested in a variety of ways that cannot be counted.

And because we are all so fearfully and wonderfully made and are unique creations of God, we will not all see these manifestations of love in the same way. We tend to see and want love and affection the way we are most comfortable giving it. Thankfully, God has given us the capacity to learn and be shaped. And if shaped by God through the actions and modeling of godly people, a child can grow up and learn how to love in many different ways. This is especially significant for the Melancholy in Affection child.

Reciprocity and the Melancholy in Affection

A Melancholy in Affection has very little need for love and affection. Melancholy tend to not show much love and affection because they don’t need much in return. This is where the law of reciprocity can hurt them. If they are not giving much love and affection then they may not get much love and affection in return. There is an underlying reason aside from their need for love and affection being lesser than other temperaments. They are the most emotionally guarded of all the temperaments. This is because of a tendency for extremely low self-esteem. Melancholy will see themselves as unlovable. So, the Melancholy in Affection puts up their own walls of protection. It’s these very walls of protection that will keep them from giving love and affection that will be reciprocated back to them. Reciprocity

Think of the Melancholy in Affection as a wine bottle that has only a drop of wine left at the bottom of the bottle. This is all the love they have to give because giving anymore is too much of a risk. They don’t want to be hurt by rejection which they fear greatly. But a Melancholy in Affection who is growing up in a godly home can be shaped and filled by God’s divine ‘agape’ love. That wine bottle can be filled up, the fear can be tempered with God’s peace and the low self-esteem can be replaced with the truth of who God says you are. God thinks you are worth it! Your worth is shown in God’s demonstration of love for you in dying on the cross.

It will take time with the Lord for the Melancholy in Affection. they will need to be in His Word, in worship and fellowship with other Christ-followers and live intentionally in obedience to God..

Reciprocity with God Makes All Things Possible

A Melancholy in Affection person does not have to live the lonely life feeling unloved. The Lord God Almighty is more than able to give them all they need to receive the love He has for them. God alone, can fill up the Melancholy wine bottle with love. The Melancholy can with God’s help learn to pour love out. God can give us all the will to love others and the strength to do it when we surrender to Him and let Christ and His love rule us. It’s another form of the law of reciprocity. When we give over ourselves to God each day, he gives us the abundant life lived in His will and love.

Please, don’t let another day go by feeling unloved or living in fear. Talk to a trusted friend, pastor or pastoral counselor or contact me to find out what your real love needs are and how to move towards that abundant life Jesus wants to give.

Love and Affection Needs of a Phlegmatic

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The love and affection needs of a Phlegmatic are just as important as the needs of the Sanguine last week. The Phlegmatic is different from the Sanguine because their need for love and affection is moderate and most realistic. They are the ones that fall in the middle of the road for needs. There aren’t any extremes as there are in the other temperaments. They don’t smother which a Sanguine may do and they don’t seem coldly distant like the Melancholy.

These moderate needs makes this temperament area the most stable. The Phlegmatic in Affection tends to be well-balanced, easy-going, non-demanding and calm. Their realistic demands for love and affection keep things on an even keep for them.

A Tendency Problem

However, they may bend into self-righteousness because they feel they are getting the love and affection they need and are giving what they feel is a good amount. The Phlegmatic can get trapped into this way of thinking not seeing that the needs of others are different than their own. This can be especially seen in the marital relationship. If a Phlegmatic in Affection is married to a Sanguine in Affection, the Sanguine will invariably not feel loved by their Phlegmatic spouse and will end up with anger that if not dealt with can become a root of bitterness. The Phlegmatic in Affection won’t see the need for marriage counseling because he/she believes they are giving enough love and affection. Unfortunately, its enough for another Phlegmatic but not for the Sanguine who has a higher need.

Another interesting tendency in this Phlegmatic in Affection area is that they do not have any fear of rejection. Without this fear of rejection, they tend to be able to handle unaffectionate or hostile people. Remember the Sanguine spouse… If the Sanguine spouse doesn’t get the love and affection they need they can explode with anger. The Phlegmatic in Affection’s response will be like water off a duck’s back. They simply have no fear of being rejected therefore they handle the anger of another with calm. But this calm doesn’t look like calm to the other angry Sanguine. It looks like you just don’t care which, of course, will only fuel the fire of anger in the Sanguine for not getting the love and affection they need.Love and affection without fear of rejection

Shifting Perspective

The difficulty lies again in the tendency to get caught in the trap of self-righteousness. In the Phlegmatic’s eyes everything is good. Only God can help them shift their perspective, whether its through the words and actions of another or divine intervention that humbles the proud. Philippians 2:3-11

While the Phlegmatic often has his love and affection needs met, those around them can be feeling rejected, hurt and ultimately angry which can quench the power of the Holy Spirit within them. If you are married to what to you may seem like a Phlegmatic in Affection, there is hope. It must begin with you first. Looking to the one who meets all our needs, Jesus.

People With High Love Needs and What They Do

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February is the month we think about love because of Valentine’s Day but those with high love needs will need to be shown love and affection every day. For the next few weeks, we will be taking a look at each of the temperaments and what their specific needs and tendencies are in their Affection area. Love Needs

The Affection area is another name for the emotions part of our soul. This particular area of our soul/temperament has to do with our deep relationships. Deep relationships are with those people that we have opened up to with deeper personal things that we would not with a surface social relationship. Each temperament has differing needs when it comes to the amount of deep relationships.

People will also have different needs for the amount of love affection they express and the amount they need to receive. Some will need very little and others a whole lot. And some may be in the middle of the road. But no matter how much love we need, everyone needs love and affection.

Sanguine in Affection

This week we are going to look at the beloved Sanguine. The person with the Sanguine temperament in the affection area is usually considered by those around them as very lovable. This is because they are very optimistic and open about their own love and affection for others. They have a need to express a lot of love and affection.

The amount of love and affection a Sanguine gives can be too much for temperaments with a lesser need for love and affection. It can cause temperament stress in that individual if they are getting this love and affection daily from a Sanguine. Those with lesser needs for love and affection like the Melancholy will have to learn to express their own lesser need for love and affection. They should also ask the Lord to help them receive the love and affection they are given, even when it is too much. Understanding that we all have differing needs is part of accepting each person for the unique creation God has made in them.

A Sanguine will also have to realize and accept that others don’t necessarily need the love and affection they need to give them. A wise Sanguine will learn to ask before giving hugs and kisses. He should pick up on the cues a person may give in their body language and eye contact that may be saying, “I don’t need a hug right now”.

A Sanguine has what is called “skin hunger”. They love to touch and be touched. This is not necessarily sexual in nature. It is the simple touches a person can give and receive like hugs, pats on the back, a brush of the hand on the shoulder or something fun like a high five. The Sanguine will have to understand that not all have this same “skin hunger” and therefore will need to rely on God to help them rein in their need to touch around those that don’t want to be touched.. High Love Needs

The Sanguine has very high love needs. They need to be given this love and affection each day because the Sanguine lives for today and what love you gave yesterday was yesterday. Love and affection needs to happen today!! This can be very demanding for those temperaments that do not express a lot of love and affection but a Sanguine needs this love every day. Those temperaments that don’t express a lot of love an affection can with the Lord’s strength and guidance be able to reach out in love each day even in some small way. God calls us to love one another and for the Sanguine that needs to be shown to them in some way every day.

The Sanguine Child

The Sanguine child will be very loving and affectionate. They will want to cuddle with you, sit on your lap and will hug just about anybody. They will need a lot of love and affection given back to them. When this need is not getting met, a Sanguine child will release this hurt for not getting the love they need with anger.

I taught what I believe was a 4-year-old Sanguine in Affection boy in my class a couple years ago. He hugged me that first day of school and would often just come and get up on my lap. When he started having angry outbursts at school out of the blue, I knew something was amiss.

I talked with the parents about what I was seeing and about my thoughts on his love needs. I explained to them a bit about Sanguine in Affection and they seemed to agree that it did sound like him. It turns out the angry outbursts would only come out when his parents were out of town on a business trip. He and his siblings were being cared for by grandma. His love and affection need was not getting met when mom and dad were away. So, I asked them to make it a point to call him everyday while they were away so that he could get some words of love from them. They started doing this and his angry outbursts stopped.

Finding Out Love Needs

Learning to meet the high love needs of our children and our spouses are key to a healthy, balanced family. Getting our temperament tested is the first step towards gaining the knowledge needed to meet others needs and be able to understand and express our own.You can have your temperament tested and get a report on your unique needs and tendencies. Or you can do what I call the Temperament Bundle where you get your temperament tested and I go over it with you thoroughly in 4 sessions. These are not counseling sessions but a teaching sessions.

Do you think you might have a Sanguine in your family? or maybe you think it might be you? We can’t guess our temperament simply based on learning about the 5 temperament types because our temperament is more complex and it is the seed of who we are. This means this seed may have been shaped by the environment and your upbringing in such a way that what you present in your behaviors doesn’t show any aspect of the seed.

This need for love along with all our other soul needs are vital for our well-being just as it is vital for our physical body to have air, water, food and shelter. We spend tons of money on our physical health but forget that our soul needs attention as well. Today is the day to start being intentional about your soul care!  Contact me to get your temperament tested. 

Having an Effect, Impact and Influence for Good

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Each and every person has an effect. We are having an impact on every person around us. What we say and do matters. But is what we are saying and doing having a positive impact for the Kingdom of God or a negative impact? Are we shinning the light of Christ outward on every action? Or are we quenching the light and Spirit inside of us?

I have been reading a book I got as a Christmas present from my son’s girl friend called Imagine Heaven by John Burke. It is all about near-death experiences, God’s promises and the exhilarating future that awaits us. It has a near-death experience in it that brings me to tears each time I read it. The man named Howard Storm was a professor of art at the University of Kentucky and while on tour with some students in Paris he fell seriously ill from an ulcer that perforated his duodenum.

The life expectancy for this is only 5 hours and the hospital he was taken to had only one surgeon on duty. He was to wait it out. In his interview with the author, he basically explained to him that up to this point in his life, he did not believe in God or life after death. He said his goodbyes to his wife, closed his eyes and died.

An Experience of Life after Death

There is life after death but where will that life be and will it be truly life or hell? Howard found himself standing beside his bed and felt more alive then ever. He didn’t realize he was dead at this point. His mind kept going to the fact that he needed the surgery. He heard people calling to him to come so he went to the doorway of his room. In the doorway, he called back to them that he needed the surgery. They told him to come again and hurry and then surrounded him leading him down the hallway that had become a dark gray color.

He became disoriented because the hallway kept getting darker and it seemed like they had been traveling down it a long time but he did see that those around him appeared to be dressed like the hospital staff. This kept him going. However, things turned very, very dark and the “people” around him started to say very unkind things that became worse and worse. Then they began to physically assault him.

The Power of Prayer

He couldn’t go further in his interview because the memories of what happened were too traumatic. He explained that though he was physically in pain all over at a 10, it was the emotional pain that was far worse. Howard was in utter desperation when he said he heard a voice that he says sounded like it came from his chest say, “Pray to God”. He countered this command a few times with excuses but finally in his desperation began to put together a prayer with everything he could remember that he heard about God. This was his prayer:

“Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. For purple mountain majesty, mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord… One nation under God. God Bless America.”

The amazing thing he witnessed was how the “people” around him responded. They didn’t like it one bit. They screamed at him and so he prayed more with anything with “God” in it. As he continued his broken prayers, the demons backed away and left him alone.

He laid there contemplating his situation and felt completely alone. As he contemplated his life and his devotion to building a monument to his own ego, he began to slip into hopelessness. But as he was slipping further into this hopelessness, a few words from the song he heard in his childhood came to mind. He remembered just three words, “Jesus loves me”. His mind took hold of those three words and fought it briefly but he finally said, “Enough of this! I’m done! I don’t have anything else.” He wanted it to be true and so he took the action needed and yelled out, “Jesus save me”.

The Power of the Name of Jesus

As soon as he said it, a light appeared. It was a tiny speck but soon grew to the point of overcoming him. He saw hands and arms come from that light and embrace him. And with that embrace he was healed physically and emotionally from all that he had had to bare. He continues with his account but I will leave the rest of it for you to explore for yourself in this book.

Am I Effecting Others Positively?Effects for God's Kingdom

When I read that it was the song he remembered in childhood, I broke into tears. My other calling and way of making a living is as a preschool teacher. I am in my third school year as the lead teacher for the 4-year-olds class. Most of us have heard how teachers don’t get paid enough. We work far more than what we are paid. My husband said to me once, “are you making 2 cents an hour now?” As a new teacher, you put in even more time. Thankfully things have eased up in my third year but I have wondered how much of a positive effect am I having on these kiddos?

Hearing how the three words from a childhood Sunday school song were what saved Howard, was God’s way of showing me that what I am doing is having a positive effect. These preschoolers leave school and may not remember the school, my name or any of the exciting things they experienced but they will remember the name of Jesus and that he loves them.

We will face God one day and have to give an account of all that we have done. Today is the day to see that every word, action, inaction and attitude from the heart will have an effect. Let the light within you out and be the positive effect for the Kingdom of God.

Our Soul Needs Effect Our Behaviors

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Our soul needs effect our behaviors but to understand how this works we need to start with defining what soul needs are. Our soul is made up of the mind, will and emotions. In temperament therapy, these are called Inclusion (mind), Control (will) and Affection (emotions). In each of these areas are basic needs. The Inclusion area or the mind’s basic need is to perceive feeling significant or worthwhile. The Control area or the will’s basic need is to perceive feeling competent. The Affection area or the emotion’s basic need is to perceive feeling lovable.

Our temperament will dictate the details of those basic needs with overall needs. Let’s look at each of those for each area.

Inclusion: The overall need in the Inclusion area is to establish and maintain a satisfactory surface relationship with people through association and socialization. This area is about how we approach others and how we want others to approach us for association and socialization. In this are we find out how our mind works. Are we task-oriented, relationship-oriented or both? Do we work at a fast-pace, slow-pace or steady-pace? Are we introverted, extroverted or a combination of both? This area has to do with the needs regarding our surface relationships. Those surface relationships are those on the acquaintance level. They have not gone into any deep personal levels.

Control : The over need in the Control area is to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in respect to control and power. This area is about how much control we want to take over the lives and behaviors of others and is about how we want others to take control over our life and behaviors. In this area we find out about how we make decisions and take on responsibilities:  do you “take charge” or would you rather follow another’s lead? Are you independent or dependent or a combination of both? This area is all about who is dominant in the relationship. This can be one-on-one or a person to a group like a boss and his employees.

Affection:The over need in the Affection area is to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in regards to love and affection. This area is about how much love and affection you want and how much you give. It’s also about the number of deep personal relationships you need. This area is all about what are love needs and expression of love is like.

Priority Needs

The needs each person has will be unique to them as there are thousands of varying combinations within our temperament. And our temperament needs are very much like our physical needs in that they prioritize themselves. Our physical needs are for air, water, food and shelter. We cannot live without air for more than a minute or so. We cannot live without water after 3 days. We cannot go without food longer than about 40 days and we cannot live outside in extreme cold or heat without serious and possibly deadly consequences. Our physical needs that come first will drive our behavior. If we dive down into a pool of water, our need for air will motivate us to swim upward to the surface. If we are in the desert and have been without water for a couple of days, the need for water will take precedence over the need for food. Needs drive us

Let me share and example of how a need asserts itself and motivates a person’s behavior. A woman works away from home and her commute is about 1/2 hour. One day, she mistakenly forgets to bring her lunch. She is off of work at 1pm and usually eats her lunch about 12:30 as she finalizes things before she leaves. However, without lunch that day, she leaves feeling hungry. On her commute home, she is racing along when she looks at the speedometer and realizes she is speeding big time! She immediately recognizes that her stomach crying out for food is telling her foot to press on the gas so she can get home faster. She chooses to do the right thing and easy up on the gas peddle. So, based on our circumstances, needs assert priority. This is true for our soul/temperament needs.

Needs and TendenciesIf needs are not met, we will tend towards a certain characteristic or behavior. There are many differing tendencies that fall under the needs within each area of our temperament. These tendencies are not in themselves weaknesses but if a need is not getting met, the tendency can sink into a weakness. When needs are met, our tendencies are likely to rise above and can become great strengths for God’s Kingdom. These tendencies are our ways to try to meet our own needs and to try to protect ourselves so our needs can be met. However, God also intended for Him to be our provider and our protector.

How Do I Find Out About My Needs and Tendencies?

We learn about what our unique needs throughout our lifetime, through our trials and experiences. However, even if we think we know our needs, we may not be able to express them. A temperament test called the Arno Profile Survey administered through a certified Temperament counselor from the National Christian Counselors Association is how you can find out what your needs are and how you express them or not.With this report, you can not only understand your unique needs but the tendencies that can trap your soul from having the connection with God that He always intended. Please contact me for more information about getting your temperament tested. 

Our connection with God is the vital factor in feeling our needs are met. The human race in its imperfect sinful state is not capable of meeting every need a person has 100% of the time without failing. However, we have an unfailing, faithful and loving Father God who wants the connection that sin has taken away from us restored. This loving God already knew that sin would severe the connection to Him so He had a plan in place to restore the connection. He came down to Earth himself, born as a child in Bethlehem. He lived here with us showing us an example of what reflecting God’s character and truly bearing the image of God looks like and his name is Jesus. Jesus died on the cross taking our punishment, descended into hell for 3 days and was resurrected to life. In doing this, He made the way for our connection to God to be restored. We have to choose to plugin to that connection every day.

God is our provider and protector. Always has been and always will be. It is up to us to choose to believe that he satisfies our every need and protects us in the way that he deems is best for his plan and purpose.

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32

 

Perfectionistic Tendencies; Not What God Wants for Us

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A person who has perfectionistic tendencies can lean into this tendency by trying to fit into a mold or trying to fit others into a mold. When I say a mold, I like to think of a cookie cutter. A temperament with this perfectionistic tendency sinks into this tendency making it a weakness. They are doing what is called “procrusteanism”. It is the obsession of:

1. trying to make others fit into their mold or

2. trying to make themselves fit a mold which was established by themselves, parents or some other significant person in their life. Perfectionstics try to fit into mold

Those with a perfectionistic tendency may want to take all others who are shaped they way God has shaped them thus far and shape them into their idea of what will fit into their perfect mold.  They are taking a lump of clay and trying to stuff it into their mold. They do this with others and themselves because they have set their standard to be unrealistically high. Their need is so high for acceptance and approval that they think of themselves as not worthy; they have a low self-esteem.

How Do We Get to Be Perfectionistic

Our temperament has this tendency but when we are in Christ and connecting with the grace of God, we overcome this tendency which brings glory to God. We are fulfilling our chief purpose in life; to bring glory to God.

Our temperament is shaped by our environment and upbringing. The hypothesis the perfectionistic person came up with as a child may go like this: if my mother doesn’t want me, then I am not worthy. The environment has proven their conclusion to be what they think is true. The mother’s words and actions have verified their hypothesis. They will then believe they are not worthy and will suffer from low self-esteem. But the truth is God makes us who we are and our identity is in Christ who was the perfect sinless lamb who died on the cross for us and rose from the dead bringing us with him.

God doesn’t put us into a mold. We aren’t like cookie dough to be cut out perfectly by the cookie cutters. We are lumps of clay that God will take and shape as he sees fit according to his plan and purpose. He will do this bit by bit, day by day for the rest of our lives. We don’t fit into some perfect mold but we are being shaped by God into the perfect creation he designed us to be.

Thinking You are Supposed to Be Perfect is Not What God Wants for You! Perfectionistic no more

Surrender to the Lord and be set free from this obsession to be perfect. You already are worthy in his eyes. He has made you an image bearer; unlike any other creature in all his creation. We are made to reflect the image of God, who he is, His character. Sin has corrupted our image making abilities but Jesus has restored us to the connection with the Father, our Creator that he can take up his job of shaping us into all He designed for us to be. We can be sanctified daily into the likeness of Christ; bearing the image of God as he intended.

Is this perfectionistic tendency keeping you from that intimate connection with your Creator who wants to help you be all he created you to be? Seek His help; talk to a pastor or do some Christian counseling to help you claim who you are in Christ. .

Reflections of the Past Days

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God has been pointing me to the positive effects and influence that can happen when we take time for reflections. I read tons a books in a year and take notes and in some cases, make graphics or other documents to help me process the information more and be better able to share it with others. However, I can see the need to improve upon the idea of reflection and make it more of a consistent discipline.

So, in my first effort to make reflection a major growing goal for the coming year, I bought a journal that I will use as my before bed reflection journal. There is only one page per entry so that will keep me from going on and on which I have a tendency to do in my writing especially if I don’t have any urgent time constraints.

Another reflection goal will be to truly take every book I read and take the time to reflect on each chapter read before moving on. And along with taking the notes I have written, my goal is to process them so that I will be able to easily access the knowledge gained. It doesn’t help to read and gain knowledge if you aren’t able to draw from it in your own mind.

Reflection really is a process of looking deeply at what God wants you to see in it and applying it to your life.

My final reflection goal in the coming year will be to continue to take my sermon notes but to actually take them home and spend some time processing what I heard and writing about it and/or sharing it with another. I got a special journal to keep all my sermon notes in for the year that will help.

So, in reflecting on your past year, what are some goals for growth that you feel God is leading you into? Reflections

God’s Joy Over Us

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The thought of God’s joy over us penetrated deep into my heart this morning. God is rejoicing over you with singing. Yes, I will say it again, God rejoices over you with singing. I write this today as a reflection on the sermon I heard this morning based on Zephaniah 3:14-20.

For temperaments who need a lot of love and affection like the Supines or temperaments with low self-esteem like Melancholies, this is especially meaningful. His love and joy is limitless and therefore can fill us continually if we are in connection with Him; without any hindrance. His joy over us can supercede our tendency to think less of ourselves; to not value who we are. God isn’t going to be rejoicing over someone he doesn’t value.

What Our Father’s Love Does

I am reminded of the parable of the prodigal son. The father is waiting in hopeful anticipation for his son to return home. And when he sees him coming far off in the distance, he doesn’t wait. He pulls up his robes and runs to him with open arms. He is overjoyed by the return of his son; the restoration of their relationship and he wants to celebrate.

 

This makes me think of when my own son returned from being away from home for a semester in college. My joy at seeing him again and being with him again was immeasurable. I feel the same way now as I wait in anticipation for my mom to arrive for Christmas. I haven’t spent Christmas with my mom in many years because of our geographical distance and financial constraints. But this year, she will be here and I am joyfully anticipating our time together.

That’s how our God is with us. He’s celebrating our relationship being restored thanks to what His son, Jesus did on the cross for us. As the verse in Zephaniah says, “in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” There is no more condemnation; only love and the joy that comes with it. Let’s celebrate in response and join the party. Merry Christmas!joy

Understanding and Accepting Our Limitations

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Being an independent person, I have been through the rebellion with God.Thankfully, He brought me to a place of humility. It was the place where I began to understand and accept my own limitations. It was the place where I understood I was trying to be “god” of my own life. Since that first big encounter with my own limitations and the humility that comes with it, I have continued to be reminded by God of His place and my place. I have also learned tremendously about where this all stems from. It is part of the genetic make-up of my soul; the temperament or seed of who God created in me.

My independent nature and the need for control comes from the control area of my temperament. I am a Choleric in control. A Choleric needs to be in control and does not want to be controlled. They are very independent and tend to fall into the role of leadership because of their great decision-making and ability to handle lots of responsibility. They tend to fall into the trap of thinking too highly of themselves and do not see the reality of their limitations.

God’s Persistence with Me

God has been my guide and teacher in helping me better understand myself. He led me to discovering the idea of Temperament Therapy that the National Christian Counselors Association has been researching and developing for over 30 years. The knowledge of my temperament has been the catalyst for further revelations and wisdom from the Lord to help me rely and trust in Him more and more.

Knowing and understanding yourself ultimately is a major part of being able to take hold of God’s armor. He wants to give us His armor and have the protection from the enemy. Because as you may have already figured out, the enemy is not only around us but within us.The more we know about our own needs and tendencies, the more we can take those to the Lord with trust and reliance upon Him to help us. It’s like having something out in the open vs. having it closed off in a closet of your subconscious.

I have a tendency to take on too much. I have done this in the past much more so because I wasn’t aware of it. Taking on leadership positions and then some has been my way of living. I didn’t have a conscious awareness of my own limitations. I tend to take on too much because I am trying to meet the need I have for reward and recognition. In a Choleric in control mind, if we take on more we have more opportunity to receive the reward and recognition our soul needs. However, imperfect humans have the tendency to not express and share enough of their appreciation to those who have taken on responsibilities to lead them in whatever the endeavor may be.

The Word of God Guiding Me

So, I must learn to rely on God for the reward and recognition for the good works I have been doing for His Kingdom but also know my place as a servant of God. Paul explains this so well in 1 Corinthians 3:5-8 What, after all is Apollos? And what is Paul?  Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. Our limitations and humility

A Choleric in control has to learn to understand their own limitations and how to say “no” when they are asked to take on more responsibility or another leadership role. When we don’t, we will burn ourselves out. I have been in the burn-out way too often in my life. God has been teaching me to rely on His guidance on what He wants me to take on and what can be left for someone else to do.

Limitations are Unique to Each Person

The Sanguine in control is another temperament that has this same need and tendency. However, God has designed them with a release valve so to speak. When a Sanguine doesn’t get the reward or recognition they need for something they have been doing, they will go into a self-indulgent mode. This, of course, can lead to self-indulging on things that are sinful like getting drunk or bingeing on food. The Sanguine in control has a “swinging” temperament in this area. They go from independent leaders taking action and making things happen to self-indulgence and back to the leader. This is a dynamic in their temperament that helps them avoid the burn-out a Choleric will get but again needs to be understood and guided by the Lord to help them work with it without falling into sin.

A Melancholy in the control area is also independent and wants to be in control of their own stuff but doesn’t want to control others. They aren’t likely to seek the leadership roles but they will take them on because they have the need to appear competent and in control. The Melancholy in Control will also have a fear of the unknown which will slow their steps into a leadership role or new responsibilities in areas they are not familiar with. These people may often be thought of as procrastinators but in actuality they are building up the confidence they need to move forward with the new responsibilities and/or leadership role.

Understanding Your Own Limitation with Temperament Awareness Knowing Your Limitations and God's Recognition

Without a doubt, God has created us all unique but also in a complex way. This complexity to our being makes the endeavor to understand ourselves more challenging. But this is why I am so passionate about the concept of temperament and learning about what ours is. Understanding and accepting our own limitations and where our place is with God is a huge step in getting the guidance and strength we all need. The Holy Spirit within us can help us to navigate how we respond to God, others and our world in ways that are pleasing to our Creator.

You don’t need to have specific counseling issues to get the knowledge of your temperament. The temperament analysis does need to be administered by a certified temperament counselor from the NCCA but it doesn’t have to involve counseling for specific issues. If you are ready to learn more about the seed of who God created in you and want to have a better handle on your own behaviors, please contact me for a Temperament Analysis.

I will also be teaching a class about temperament starting January 2019 at my home church, First Presbyterian Church in Colorado Springs. If your in the area and want to attend, see the details here.